Cruise Characters - Part I

In which I tell you all about some of the more interesting/annoying/just plain crazy people we encountered on our Hawaiian cruise vacation.

Now let me preface this (please?) with a statement. We are not “cruise people.” Now, that does not mean we have anything against a cruise as a mode of vacationing. This was actually our second turn aboard a cruise ship, though I gotta say our first was beyond spectacular and, as a Trans-Atlantic crossing was a bit different from your average cruise. We chose this trip because it is a heck of a lot easier than daily inter-island flights to see three other islands in one week. But I digress.

Now, by “cruise people” – I mean your frequent cruiser who quite literally stops eating for the entire week before their vacation so they can justify multiple trips to the buffet for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and “fourth meal.” (Amateurs. Don’t they know that only makes your stomach able to take in less?) These people have lanyards from one cruise line or another so they can wear their ship card around their neck because heaven forbid you be able to keep track of a credit-card sized piece of plastic while you’re sitting in the hot tub with 10 other people and their sloughed-off skin cells. (gross) They are the Expert Cruisers, if you will. They would never, ever, EVER consider another type of vacation – and if you ask them why, it’s most likely because of the food. Some of these people never even get off the ship at all and it really bugs me that they now say they’ve been to Hawaii yet they never set foot on any land that wasn't on the direct path between the airport and Pier 2 and maybe a shop or two in the ports. Their main attraction to a cruise vacation is the freely available included food, the free activities, and the pools.

So do not be offended if you have taken or are considering taking a cruise. If you are reading this blog you probably know me. Or you know one of my friends. Either way, you’re probably not easily offended and you know I’m not talking about you, so I’m not going to make too many apologies for what is about to occur.

The other thing about a ship – you’re with the same 2,000 people for an entire trip. Most of these people remain nameless and don’t really cross into the realm of me noticing them. These are the normal ones, and there are lots of them. But isn’t it funny that once you notice someone, you start to see them everywhere?

So I’m going to start here with the first installment of Cruise Characters – Hawaii Edition. Installment 1: Mr. Amazon.

Mr. Amazon and his wife are nice enough people. Very outgoing and friendly. And talkative. Boy did this guy ever talk. He was known for the following phrases, repeated ad nauseum:
1. “Well, in the AMAZON…” (hence the nickname)
2. “Well, in Oregon…” (where they are from)
3. “You know this is our FIRST vacation INSIDE the United States!”

Now, I’m gonna guess that this couple was in their mid- to late 40s. They mentioned having a son out of college and they mentioned that they had them in their late teens so that’s how I’m getting my estimate. They were on one of our excursions early in the week, but I bet they don’t remember that the first time we ran into them was in an elevator on the ship. Mr. Amazon asked us how we liked the ship (this was like Day 1) and we said it was nice. He asked if we’d cruised before and we said yes, once, on the Queen Mary 2. His response was, “OH now THAT’S the ship where they still lock the lowest-fare-paying passengers up when the ship is sinking until the people in the expensive class get in lifeboats first.”

Dude.

I’m pretty sure that’s the Titanic you’re thinking of.

And I'm pretty sure there are enough lifeboats for everyone now.

Then he went on to tell us how they typically cruise on Carnival and this ship seemed more like a nursing home than a cruise ship.

So now you’ve a) insulted, twice, our choice in cruise line, and b) insulted old people. Yeah, you’re awesome Mr. Amazon!

So then on one of our more active excursions, we had an awkward, “Hey will you take our photo and then we’ll take yours” exchange with them, where Mr. Amazon started off with (and imagine the most d-baggiest obnoxious “I’m-cooler-than-you-and-my-name-is-probably-something-like-Blaine” voice you can), “Well we usually take more ACTIVE vacations, but we thought this was a good way to see Hawaii. But we're staying in Kona for a week after this so we'll REALLY see the island.”

Busted. You totally said you’ve cruised before, more than once. But fine. Oh and also we live here. So by default we're seeing more of the state than you.

So homeboy starts asking us about our new camera and bragging about THEIR brand-new underwater digital camera (we have one of those, too, we said – ‘cause we do!) that they bought for their trip to The Amazon.

Wanna narrow that down to a country, homeslice? I mean it's only the largest river basin in the world (I think) but hey what do I know.

I decided not to tell him that I lived in Ecuador for 6 months, including a one-month stint in the rainforest, because I wasn’t up for a pissing contest that day.

So fine, we go on about our day and, one by one, like the bird flu or an obnoxious little kid, they pick off each person in our group. Each person got to hear about The Amazon and how this is Mr. Amazon and Wife’s FIRST vacation INSIDE the United States and it’s just so amazing how HAPPY people are in OTHER countries and how MESSED up the USA is and OH MY GOSH parents can’t even SPANK their children anymore and his son’s wife won’t even let their kids have JUICE and this hike is NOTHING you should come to OREGON!!

To which I respond, (in my head because I’m a chicken) “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”

(Yeah, I said ass. If that's a problem for you, please monitor your children's internet usage because you are their parent.)

I mean even the GUIDE was trying to avoid these people and told us he thought they were weird!

(PS if you ever need a guide for the Hilo side of Hawaii Island, let me know – this guy was awesome and we are totally calling him when we go back)

At any rate, we really enjoyed the excursion and really should have started a drinking game for Mr. Amazon’s favorite phrases. But I would have been wasted after about 10 minutes and probably gotten sick and that would have been a problem.

Cut to Kauai, where we’re going on a kayaking and hiking excursion and we roll up to the van…just before Mr. Amazon and wife arrive. Much eye-rolling and groaning on our parts ensues, because we know what’s coming. We’re able to avoid (though I did say a very pleasant hello to his friendly and harmless wife in line for the restroom before the kayaks got underway) them until we’re on the water.

Never mind that our waterproof digital camera failed in Maui, so we had to buy a disposable waterproof camera for the kayak portion of this trip.

So Mr. Amazon and his wife paddle over to us and we have another “You take our pic, we’ll take yours” awkward exchange (anyone have a good idea for a fun name for these cause they happen everywhere!) and as we hand him our disposable camera we hear, “Well WE have one of these FANCY WATERPROOF cameras – yeah, we got it for our trip to THE AMAZON!”

I’m about to look back in our tandem kayak at The Good.Sport for perhaps the largest eye-roll in HISTORY (but I don’t need to because I can feel his eye-roll piercing the back of my skull and I know he can sense mine, too) and his wife, who doesn’t talk much, says, in a TOTALLY straightforward and somewhat bored tone of voice,

“Hun, they were on our trip the other day. They know about the camera.”

I almost confessed my love to her, right there on a Lesser River (because, you know, it wasn't The Amazon).

I do feel a scoch bad for making fun of this guy, because deep down I feel like he really just wanted to be one of the cool kids. I know what that feeling is like, so I try – I really do – to be empathetic when I see someone else feeling that way. But at some points it crossed from wanting to be cool to wanting to be the COOLEST. The MOST WORLDLY. BETTER than everyone else.

And guess what? There is ALWAYS someone who is cooler or more worldly or plain ole' BETTER than you. And me. There just is. That is a losing game, my friend.

But seriously I could have just started talking FOR this guy because it was like a broken record. These are the things I would do if I didn't feel so mean for thinking about doing them.

Anyways, We Salute YOU, Mr. Amazon! You really kept us entertained and gave us something to laugh about in between eye rolls.

I hope you enjoyed your first American vacation, sir.

I also hope you get yourself a book about piranhas. Because nearly every piece of information you insisted on filling the group’s heads with was WRONG.

But what do I know. I’m just a biologist.

Next time, I’ll regail you with tales (ok, maybe one tale) of the Adventures of Gullible. And maybe even some pics.

Stay tuned!